


By Your Side

by taetastic



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, focuses on eating disorders and body image issues, please don't read if you're triggered by these issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 21:26:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4195506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taetastic/pseuds/taetastic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His silence allows him to see things that other people may not notice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By Your Side

###### 

Taekwoon often keeps to himself. He enjoys his alone time, and he enjoys getting lost in his own mind. He likes to shut himself away from the world and stay in his own little bubble, sometimes thinking about everything and sometimes nothing. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t observant. His silence sometimes allows him to see things that other people may not notice. He notices the falter in the members’ steps when they’re tired, he notices the weakness in their voices when they’re worn down. Hakyeon is attentive to all of it too, and he doesn’t hesitate to step in, to always put the others before himself. Taekwoon tries to assist him, quietly, in helping the others, because he knows it’s too much for Hakyeon sometimes. Hakyeon is the eldest, he takes care of them all, but sometimes he forgets to care for himself, so Taekwoon takes over that job as discreetly as possible.

He is a silent presence beside Hakyeon when the other man is upset, and even though Taekwoon feels like he doesn’t do much to help, Hakyeon always seems grateful for his attempts at providing comfort. He watches over Hakyeon from the sidelines, because if he doesn’t, who will?

“You’ve gained some weight,” a stylist comments as she adjusts Hakyeon’s pants. “I think you’ve gone up a pant size.”

Hakyeon laughs it off, and makes a joke about eating too many sweets on their short break, but Taekwoon sees the flash of hurt in his eyes before he can compose himself.

Taekwoon wants to shove her away for her words, because Hakyeon looks _good_. He looks healthier than he has in months. Their schedule had been so hard on all of them, and the short break they had helped them all improve their health. The healthy glow is returning to Hakyeon’s skin, and his cheek bones don't look quite so sharp anymore. Hakyeon has to deal with a lot of criticism already, and Taekwoon knows even though he covers it up with a confident attitude, the comments hurt him a lot. The last thing he needs to be concerned about is his weight.

The stylist’s unnecessary comment, and the look in Hakyeon’s eyes, leaves a feeling of uneasiness in the pit of his stomach for the rest of the night.

Hakyeon doesn’t eat dinner that night, and everyone seems too exhausted to notice, but Taekwoon notices.

###### 

Taekwoon watches Hakyeon pick at his food for the next few days, moving it around on his plate to make it look like he is eating, and talking animatedly to distract from the fact that he isn’t. Taekwoon observes him taking maybe three bites of each meal. Everyone else is either too tired or too lively during meals to take notice of it, but Taekwoon watches him like a hawk.

Taekwoon wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what he should say. A part of him hopes that Hakyeon isn’t doing what he thinks he’s doing, because Hakyeon really doesn’t need to go on some stupid diet.

Hakyeon eventually notices Taekwoon’s eyes on him, and he looks over, visibly surprised by Taekwoon’s staring. But he doesn’t say anything, he just gives Taekwoon a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. It makes Taekwoon’s chest ache.

Later, when Hakyeon is doing the dishes, he joins him at the sink to help out. He takes his iPod and places one of the earbuds in Hakyeon’s ear and one in his own. Hakyeon glances over at him in surprise, but he doesn’t question it. They finish the dishes together, Taekwoon humming quietly along with the music and Hakyeon slowly leaning closer until their arms are touching. Hakyeon feels strangely cold next to him, but grows warmer the longer they are huddled together.

Taekwoon feels useless for not knowing what to say. He feels awkward and he doesn’t know how to express his worries to Hakyeon, and he hates himself for it. But Hakyeon seems a little less tense, a little more at ease, with Taekwoon at his side. So, he feels some relief in knowing he can help, even just a little.

###### 

Time passes by in a flurry as they approach their comeback date. They become so busy, they hardly have the chance to speak to each other about anything aside from work. When they aren’t practicing or rushing from schedule to schedule, they take advantage of whatever time they have left to sleep.

When Taekwoon finally gets the chance to actually look at Hakyeon, _really_ look at him, he spots the subtle changes that he feels like he should have noticed weeks ago.  
Hakyeon’s cheeks are slightly sunken in, and his collarbone is unnaturally prominent. His limbs have thinned, and his skin looks to have lost much of it’s color.  
The sight frightens Taekwoon to the core, and he can’t believe this is the first time he’s taken notice of these changes. All throughout practice, he’s beating himself up for being so unobservant, for letting this slip past him.

He watches Hakyeon’s reflection as they dance, keeping his eyes on him the entire time, and probably screwing up his own moves in the process. He looks like he’s struggling to keep up, his moves sluggish and sloppy, sweat dripping from his face.

Taekwoon is in the furthest position from him when he sees his step falter. He only has time to release a strangled yell of warning before Hakyeon's eyes close and he goes tumbling onto the hard floor. All of the other members immediately crowd around him, turning him over and fretting over him, urging him to wake up.

“Get manager hyung!”

“Should we move him to the couch?”

“Check his temperature.”

Taekwoon pushes through them, heart hammering in his chest, and looks down to see Hakyeon lying on his back, his eyes still closed. He leans down, lifting Hakyeon’s head and placing it in his lap before he pats Hakyeon’s cheek, “Hakyeon! Hakyeon!”

Taekwoon feels panicked tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, and guilt settling at the pit of his stomach, as he watches Hakyeon’s face for any movement.

Hakyeon finally comes to right before Sanghyuk returns to the room with their manager, and blinks up at them in confusion. Taekwoon releases a trembling sigh, and wills back his tears when he finally sees Hakyeon’s eyes open.

Their manager orders them to go to the car while he helps Hakyeon, stating that they’re done for the night, and can all get a full nights sleep and the day off tomorrow to regain their strength.

“I’ll do it,” Taekwoon offers instead. “Go warm the car up. We’ll be out in a few minutes.”

The other members shuffle out of the room reluctantly, as Taekwoon helps Hakyeon to the couch. He gives him a water bottle that’s on the floor next to the couch, and sits down next to him. Hakyeon chugs the water down greedily, and lowers it with a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry for worrying you guys. I guess I just pushed myself too hard,” Hakyeon leans back and glances at him apologetically.

“Hakyeon,” he starts, staring at the other man intently. “Have you even eaten today?”

Hakyeon blinks wide eyes at him, a flash of panic settling over his expression, before he quickly composes himself. “Yes, of course.”

Taekwoon tries to ignore the sting of pain he feels as Hakyeon lies straight to his face. He feels somewhat betrayed as Hakyeon brushes off his concerns and goes to the car as if nothing happened. But none of that is stronger than the guilt he feels for letting this go so far.

###### 

He uses the excuse of getting himself a drink to walk to the closest convenience store and pick up Hakyeon’s favorite sweets. When he gets back, he offers one of the small cakes to Hakyeon silently, holding it out and glancing down at the ground shyly.

Hakyeon looks taken aback, but takes the cake with a mumble of thanks. As they watch a movie together, he hears the package open about half way through. He watches out of the corner of his eye as Hakyeon takes the first small, hesitant bite. Hakyeon ends up eating the entire thing with enthusiasm.

Taekwoon is relieved to see him eat it all, but it pains him to watch the way Hakyeon devours it as though he hasn’t eaten in days.

###### 

Taekwoon wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of the bathroom door closing.

When he looks over and sees that Hakyeon’s futon is empty, he immediately gets up to shuffle out of the dark room and toward the bathroom. The only light is coming from the crack at the bottom of the bathroom door, and he feels uneasy as he approaches it. He can hear the sink running, and he lifts his hand to knock, but something makes him hesitate. He lowers his hand, presses his ear to the door, and listens.

As soon as he hears the obvious sound of Hakyeon gagging, his hand is on the doorknob. Luckily, the door is not locked, and Taekwoon pushes himself in without knocking.

Hakyeon is kneeling in front of the toilet, his face wet with tears, and his hand hovering near his mouth. There’s no question about what he had just done, but Taekwoon almost doesn’t want to believe it. He feels the sinking dread settle inside of him as he catches the lingering smell of vomit in the room.

He kneels down next to Hakyeon, and grabs his arm, his grip firm but not strong enough to hurt him. “What are you doing?” He asks through clenched teeth.

Hakyeon looks up at him with wide, watery eyes, his mouth hanging open in shock. “I- I-“

“Hakyeon…,” he settles next to Hakyeon, his voice shaking suddenly, and his grip on Hakyeon’s arm loosening. “What are you doing?” He asks again.

He knows exactly what Hakyeon was doing, but his thoughts are too jumbled to ask anything else. And as he watches Hakyeon’s expression fall, Taekwoon realizes that Hakyeon is aware that he was caught, and he is at a loss for what to do.

“I’m sorry,” is all Hakyeon says, his head lowered and his voice barely a whisper.

Taekwoon takes him into his arms and lets him cry. He doesn’t hold back, and Taekwoon feels stupid for not realizing how much Hakyeon needed this. He hates that Hakyeon apologizes, because he feels like he should be the one apologizing. He should have been there, he should have noticed…

They move to the couch eventually, and Hakyeon calms down enough to confess everything to him. He tells him how all the little comments just became too much one day. He tells him how he had only intended to skip a few meals here and there, and it all just spiraled out of control. He explains the guilt he feels when he lets himself eat, and the anxiety he has of gaining weight.

Taekwoon is relieved to know that this is the first time Hakyeon has resorted to purging his food, but he still feels the guilt festering inside of him. It never should have even gotten to this point.

They talk until Hakyeon is too tired to keep his eyes open. He eventually falls asleep with his head resting on Taekwoon’s shoulder, his cheeks stained with dried tears, but his expression one of relief.

Taekwoon still worries that it isn’t enough, that he hadn’t said or done the right thing, but Hakyeon finally looks at ease. And that is enough for him to allow himself to fall asleep with the warmth of Hakyeon beside him.

###### 

When Taekwoon wakes up a few hours later, he carefully maneuvers his way off the couch without waking Hakyeon. He lays Hakyeon’s head down on a pillow and covers him with a quilt, before making his way to the kitchen.

He cooks a large breakfast, probably too much for even all six of them to eat, but he doesn’t care. He feels the urge to do something and at least this will keep him busy. And maybe a part of him hopes that Hakyeon will eat some of it.

The scrape of a chair against the floor makes him jump, and alerts him to another presence in the room.

When he turns around, he sees Hakyeon sitting at the table, his hair messy and his shirt wrinkled after just waking up. He’s holding a pair of chopsticks, and to Taekwoon’s surprise, he is eating.

He eats slowly, not like he had the night before with the sweets, but like he’s actually letting himself enjoy the food. His eyes are closed, his expression relaxed as he chews.

When he looks up at Taekwoon, he gives him a smile that actually reaches his eyes, “It’s delicious, Taekwoonie…Thank you.” Taekwoon nods and gives a shy smile in return. He turns back around to finish cooking, his heart feeling significantly lighter.

“Will you eat lunch with all of us, too?” Taekwoon mumbles, his voice barely audible above the sound of the frying pan on the stove.

Hakyeon is silent for a moment, and Taekwoon almost thinks he hadn’t heard him. But his voice finally breaks the silence, “Yes,” he answers quietly. “I’ll try.”


End file.
